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[FIC] Saiyuki-- "Can't Win for the Losing"
O-omg, I'm updating my IJ. o_o Hello, poor neglected IJ! Have some fic.

Title: Can't Win for the Losing
Author: WriterZilch
Rating: barely-R for implied m/m (implied m/m/m, even), reference to crossdressing.
Pairing: implied Hakkai/Gojyo, implied Hakkai/Gojyo/Sanzo
Summary: Gojyo shoved an accusing finger right into Hakkai's face. "One: you're a pervert, and two: you are so fucking drunk, Hakkai."
Notes: CRACK. Complete, total, and utter crack. Please do not take seriously, take with alcohol, or operate heavy machinery. May cause WTF-ing.

Crossposted all over the universe.



The bar was loud and Gojyo was on beer number six, or maybe even seven. Hakkai was drinking sake, and Gojyo had already lost count of how many of those little bottles he'd made it through, but he was fairly sure Hakkai was winning this one, or would be, if it were an actual contest.

Not that it mattered, he thought muzzily. Hakkai won at things you weren't even supposed to win at. Like conversations, even. How could anyone win at conversations?

"Pfft." Gojyo blew smoke overhead, where it joined the massive communal cloud, making the barroom seem hazy and wan. What had they been talking about? Gojyo vaguely remembered something about women. "My good looks are wasted on you guys. It's a pity there's no girls along for the trip."

"Well," said Hakkai, smiling his most disarming smile, which usually meant a set-up, "you have me, after all. Unfortunately, I'm lacking a few essentials."

Gojyo put on his best leer-- sometimes the only way to deal with Hakkai was to play along-- and elbowed him amicably. "Are you kidding? Put you in a miniskirt, and you could give any girl here a run for the money."

Hakkai sort of laughed. "Don't be silly, Gojyo. Besides, Sanzo has a much finer ass."

Gojyo spit his mouthful of beer. "Hakkai! You did not just say that." He wiped his mouth on his sleeve, staring.

"I did, actually."

Gojyo threw him a suspicious look. "Are you drunk?"

"That's ridiculous, Gojyo." But his eyes were a little glassier than usual, and Gojyo thought that maybe Hakkai was a little flushed, too. Or was it the heat of the room? With Hakkai, it was always hard to tell.

"Great. Now that image is gonna be stuck in my head for the rest of the night." Gojyo put a hand over his eyes, as if he could block out the mental pictures, but the image of Sanzo in a miniskirt (and white panties, Gojyo thought, definitely white panties) refused to leave. "And by the way, I hate you."

Hakkai laughed, kind of triumphantly this time. "I'm sorry, Gojyo. There is one bright side, though."

"Yeah?" Gojyo lifted his beer again.

"At least I didn't mention garter belts or crotchless panties or anything."

SPIT! "Hakkai! Stop that!"

Hakkai was laughing harder. There were tears at the corners of his eyes and everything. "I'm sorry, Gojyo, but you're just too easy."

"Fuck that," said Gojyo. "I'm not the one in a miniskirt."

Hakkai's eyes went all wide and fake-innocent, then. "Oh, but I'm sure you'd look very fine in one as well. We could even braid your hair."

Gojyo snickered. "No way. You'd enjoy it way too much, man."

Hakkai knocked back another cupful of sake like he was doing a shot. "Well, only if you forgo the panties. I like you slutty, Gojyo."

Gojyo managed, just barely, to avoid spitting this time, but it only made him choke. He wheezed and pounded on the table, coughing.

"Oh, dear. Gojyo, are you alright?"

Gojyo shoved an accusing finger right into Hakkai's face. "One: you're a pervert, and two: you are so fucking drunk, Hakkai."

"Ahaha, well. You're probably correct on both accounts. Can I use that as my excuse in the morning?"

"Your excuse for what? For making me think of Sanzo in a skirt?" As far as Gojyo was concerned, there was really no excusing that.

Hakkai grinned. It was an ominous expression. "No. My excuse for why I already went out and bought you one." And then his hand was on Gojyo's knee, meaningfully.

Gojyo gulped, and the room went dizzy-hot. "Um, Hakkai--"

"Don't worry," said Hakkai, reassuringly, like it would make everything alright, "I've bought Sanzo one, too."