InsaneJournal

Current mood:

distressed

Them boys need huggins. D:
Spoilers for Season 4 abound! BE YE WARNED!



So I've held off on watching the last couple of episodes, "After School Special" and "Sex and Violence". Doesn't mean I haven't been THINKING about things like a big thinky-muffin, of course. I've been thinking about Dean in Hell, and Lilith, but mostly I've been thinking about Sam and the ways he's changed. And oh, has he changed.

So I watch the last two episodes, and it's like they were listening to my thoughts-- especially "Sex and Violence". I mean, cripes, way to hit the nail on the head. And also: way to punch me right in the GUT.

I was wondering when Dean would come out and say it-- that Sam IS different, not because of his evil potential or whatever, but because he's CHANGED. Gone is the Sam who stammered and acted shy when girls took an interest in him, or at least tried his best to be honorable. Now it's "love 'em and leave 'em" as Dean says. Sam is quicker to hide things, quicker to lie. He's gotten colder, and it's a little scary to watch.

Thing is, though, he's doing exactly what he said he wanted to do in Season 3. He's acting more like Dean. Does Dean realize it? Is it bothering him that Sam is becoming more like him? Dean's self-loathing is pretty palpable at times, and to watch his little brother-- the good one, the honest one, the one who tried so hard to do right-- becoming LIKE HIM must be terrible.

And one wonders if Sam feels the lack. I thought about it today (again, before watching these episodes): Dean has given up pretty much everything for family, but Sam is now losing himself in bits and pieces. He gave up school first, and then his hopes for normality, and now bit by bit he's whittling away at the things that make him, well, Sam. And you can't blame him for the downward slide. I mean, cripes, his brother died and went to Hell-- and you get the feeling that if Ruby hadn't, er, intervened, he'd be dead now too. He threw himself into work-- but he also threw himself into things he never seemed to want before, like cheap sex. Was he asking himself, What would Dean do?

Now that Dean's back, there's a definite rift there, a big steep pit of guilt (on both sides), resentment, anger, fear. Sam couldn't save Dean. Sam, in fact, started to recover from losing Dean. Even if he never would've healed, he was on his way to functional-- and then BAM, Dean came back. If it were me, I'd feel horrible, as if I'd betrayed the person in some way. There's gotta be some element of "Oh god, I'm sorry I was ready to move on." Sam's the type to feel guilty over stuff like that. And although functional!Sam is way better than broken-and-suicidal!Sam, one has to wonder if Dean's a little angry, deep down, that his little brother was practically in the process of letting go. Might explain his continued resentment of Ruby, who was for all intents and purposes taking Sam's mind OFF Dean and reflecting it back onto himself. Yeah, we all know that was the best thing for Sam at the time, but feelings like this aren't exactly rational.

The thing is, I'm getting the sense that Sam could learn to live without Dean-- could maybe even recover enough to be happy again some day. But Dean? He'd never make it alone. He just wouldn't. Now that their father is dead, he literally has nothing else to go on but his brother's love. And that's a really scary thought.

And then I wonder if Dean realizes it, or if Sam does. Anger, resentment. Guilt.

Man, I am WAY too wrapped up in this show. D: